Mga Aral sa Buhay ni Zay

Kabanata II



KINDER KaOn

Sa puntong ito ako ay anim na taong gulang na at katulad ng inaasahan ipinagpatuloy ko ang aking kakulitan...



-namulat ang batang si zay sa kasinungalingang ayos lang na magsuot ng panty lamang... (wala pa sa isip niya ang hiya...tsk tsk tsk, nakaka awang bata)

-panget talaga ang lasa ng gatas lalo na pag sa baso iniinom, kaya hanggang kinder gumagamit siya ng tsupon

-NIPS ang ginagawang pang "bribe" ng tita niya para siya ay mag-aral ng "lesson"

-hindi siya pumapayag na gawin ang isang bagay ng walang kapalit... (kahit juice lang okay na)

-nalaman niya na para maka "honor" sa recognition day ay dapat "close ng nanay ang titser" -dapat ay kahiraman ng VHS tape at kung magbibirthday ay imbitado si ma'am- dapat din ay binibigyan ng litson si ma'am pagmay okasyon sa kanila

-haaay!!! eto pala ang mundo sabi ni zay

-nalaman ni zay na yung matanda pala na lalake sa kanto ay hindi nakakapag pagaling ng sakit ng tiyan. (akala niya kasi na pag lolo lahat ay alam gawin kahit magpagaling)

-unang "prinaktis" ni zay ang pagiging rebelde noong nasa Kinder siya...(here's the scenario)... hindi niya inaasahang sa recognition day nila ay mas makakataas pa sa kanya ang kaklaseng wala namang gaanong alam maliban sa makipag close sa titser... kaya nang ibinigay sa kanya ang result sa placement niya pinunit niya ito sa harap ng titser niya...haay! a new activist was born talaga. parang nagpunit lang ng cedula bilang hudyat ng isang himagsikan

-nalaman ni zay na "not all is fair" sa mundo

-more often than not, ang tao ay makararanas talaga ng kadayaan sa buhay niya kahit pa sabihing ginagawa niya lahat ng nararapat

-ito ang pinag-ugatan ng lahat ng pagdududa ni zay sa tao

-nalaman ni zay na hindi pala natuwa ang tatay niya ng siya'y ipinanganak dahil isa siyang "babae"...(talagang patriarchal ang mundo)

-sa kabilang dako, dito din si zay nagsimulang ma "in love" sa musika

-at naging paborito niya ang awiting kahit hanggang ngayon ay di niya pa alam ang title,... ang alam lang niya ay ang linya nitong... "panahon na para magsaya, forget mo na ang problema...."

-kinakanta niya ito sa ibabaw ng mahaba nilang mesa sa bahay habang hawak ang hair brush bilang microphone

-paborito niya din an "Estudyante Blues" at syempre pa ang kanta ng "Batibot" at "Sesame Street"

-nanonood din siya ng "That's Entertainment" at "Lunch Date" at minsang nangarap na maging isang artista para makita si Fernando Poe...of course! at makapagsuot ng magagarang damit

-una niya ding nalaman na pag patay na pala ang tao, di kana pala nito makikita.

-napatunayan niya ito ng dumalaw siya minsan sa punton ng uncle niya ng bihis na bihis (nag prepare tlaga siya for that occasion only to find out na hindi naman pala natutulog lang ang taong patay na)haay! kahabaghabag na nilalang!

...but wait there's more... "hanggang sa susunod na pagbabasa..."

Mga Aral Sa Buhay ni Zay

Ito ay kwento lamang ng isang abang nilalang. Maaaring ito'y katotohanan o kathang isip lamang. Nasa inyo ang pagpapasya.

IsAnG tAoN hAnGgAnG lImA.....

-natuto si zay na halos lahat pala ng bagay na gusto niya ay makukuha sa pag-iyak

-kaya, natuto siyang umiyak ng malakas habang tumatagal sa pagnanais na ibigay sa kanya ang kanyang hinihingi

-subalit, nang magtagal, nalaman ni zay na pumapangit pala siya pag umiiyak

-kaya iniwasan na niyang umiyak araw-araw...(every other day nalang)

-nalaman ni zay may nilalang pala na "butiki" kung tawagin... at tinawag niya itong "koo-koo" noong mga panahong iyon.

-nalaman ni zay na may mga kani-kanyang pangalan pala ang mga tao

-at "Mama" pala ang tawag sa nanay o sa babaeng nagluwal sa kanya sa mundo

-nalaman ni zay na Zyrille pala ang pangalan niya na noon ay akala niya "Iday" lang

-nalaman niya na hindi pala siya sa bibig ng nanay niya lumabas

-nalaman niya na may tatay pala siya

-nalaman niya na hindi pala siya anak ng lolo at lola niya

-natuto siyang makinig ng awitin at "eventually magrequest" na gawing pampatulog sa kanya ang kantang "Matud nila"(kahit di niya alam ang ibig sabihin)

-ayon sa kanya masarap pala ang mahiga sa tiyan ng lola at mahiga sa pagitan nila ni lolo

-una siyang natutong "magrefuse" kapag pinapainom siya ng gatas dahil panget daw ang lasa

-una siyang natutong magdamot lalo na pag kinukuha sa kanya ang kanyang "milk bottle" o "tsupon"

-nagustuhan niya ang "Batibot" at "Sesame Street" at nag karoon siya ng mga kaibigan sa kahayupan(hindi katauhan) nina Big Bird, Elmo, Bert,Cookie Monster(mga international friends), Pong Pagong, at Kuya Bogie(tao po siya)

-nalaman niya na may "alphabet" palang tinatawag

-at nakakatawa pala ito pag inawit sa Tagalog

-natuto siyang magsalita mag-isa habang kinakausap ang sarili (with a storyline) dahil likas talaga siyang "wierd"

-natakot siya sa manika dahil para sa kanya para itong may sariling buhay pag gabi

-una niyang nagustuhan ang magkaroon ng "antipara" eyeglasses dahil mukha daw matalino(mukha lang)

-una siyang lumandi dahil naging "super crush" niya si Fernando Poe Jr.(at nakikipag-agawan talaga siya sa kanyang mga ate at tumatakbo siya sa harap ng TV pag pinapalabas na ang beer commercial nito)

-nag ilusyon siya na siya ang asawa nito(ano kaya ang masasabi ni Susan Roces dito?...)

-ninais niyang mag-aral agd para sa "recess"

....abangan ang mga susunod na kabanata:

KINDER KaOn

"ABNKKBSNPLAKo" sa Elementarya ito

Ang Kahulugan ng SIP sa Amber

BUhay kapiling Ang mga Daga( Sa 1061 )

ANg MatAyOg na LiPaD ni FaLcOn aka Vincentian

SA Piling ng mga Puti

Going Back To Who I Used To Be

It's funny how changes happen to our lives. At one time we just wake up no longer doing what we used to do, and feeling like we are a different person already. Sometimes, we curse these changes especially if we are happy at how we were before that; and there are those who on the other hand thank those changes for happening...



I'd like to think that nothing has changed to me, just to find out that I am just trying to convince myself of its inexistence. Because, in reality there has been so much about me that's different. Just like how a line of a song goes (in its "mamais mais manner") "I'm not who I used to be". Then, I used to be the bravest soul ever. Having been used to life's complexities I looked at challenges as mere tests. And I loved it because just like in a literal test in school I always look forward to a good score and a good grade. I was so positive about things and I don't know how it happened but it seemed that the universe just conspired with what I wanted and I got it always.



...That was then because now, it's different. It's in fact the other way around. Worst thing is, I may have been fed up by the things happening that I do'nt have the same dose of confidence as before. It's deadly, 'coz not being confident kills. It's very lethal in a sense that it slowly eats up who you are. And I'm on the verge of getting caught into this arena, wherein I am left alone to fight my own battle. A matter no one but me could settle. I don't want to get trapped to this situation and the only thing for me to do now is to fight back and face whatever it is that I am bound to face. I may not get back to who I used to be before, but I can always look back at how I was and use it to be who I want to be in the future.



Maybe if I do something more than just to complain of what I am right now, I can still pull up myself and say to the world again that I AM BRAVE! and I am capable of doing even more than what others can do. I am me! and I'll always and forever be me.

What You Know is Never Enough

I wrote this two years ago. When I was still a war freak.hihi. Just a tip and trick though, we're friends again now with my boardmate Chen2.

If there is a word to best describe my feeling right now it would be ANGER... i just arrived from school and just like my ordinary days i have been used to telling whoever is close to me about how my day was. as in my case for four years that i have been staying in a boarding house miles away from my ate elvie with whom i share my thoughts each day, i talk to my roommate. today in my drama class, i realized something i said to her. it is that i can't expect to play a part in our final presentation which will be the adaptation of the phantom of the opera. i may have the voice i said or the acting ability but im afraid i dont have the physique to take part on any of the roles it has. it is a bit frustrating because i have dreamed to be in a musical, but if it wont be given to me then i can do nothing perhaps but to accept that tormendable reality. i told her,... how i wish it was my proposed play that will be presented so that i have the power to direct and make it the way i want it to be. and then she replied..."ikaw gud noh, di gyud ka magpailalom"... in english, "you really dont want to be inferior". considering that she did not just tell me that phrase on that single occasion, i guess i could have had just accepted her critique just like the other instances. but, this time i felt entirely different... i felt my blood rushhing up my spine and for one moment i felt like i wanted to scream at her and tell her "tama na, how dare you tell me that when you don't know who i am?!!! yes, she doesn't know the whole about me, nobody does except for myself. and i believe there's nobody more knowledgeable about our own realities than our own being. that puts me and all of us individuals in the position of defending ourselves and living our lives the way we want it to be. that time i wanted to ask her how much she know me for her to have said that thing. other than the things i tell her and the things she sees me doing in our room, she's mindless of the rest. she doesn't know my feelings; she doesn't know my childhood; she doesn't know ihow i am in school or at home; she has never witnessed my life other than my life spent in that boarding house; other than me being her roomate, she knows nothing...i guess it was pride that took over me that time, the very reason why i was strucked so much. but despite the hurt feeling, i did not answer her and i chose to remain silent questioning myself and giving her time as well to realize what she have just said to me. well, i cant blame her for that, afterall it is her perception. but the thing is,... does she really have to tell it to my face again?... i mean i have heard it from her several times and worst everybody thinks i am like that. she is just one of the many who looks at me the same way.... a beast, a proud nobody, someone who can't live without prestige, someone who doesn't know how to humble herself, a pretentious creature, all negative...
at times i want to disprove them,... but more often i choose to live according to their ideals. i show them a dark me because no matter how i try to show them im not, the more they believe that im evil. i was raised by people who know the word respect and humility very much. my grandpa was not an academic professional nor my grandma. but they were the kind of people whom you would think had the best education based on how they related to people and how they raised their children and grandchildren. when i was younger i was told to know these traits because according to them this two are the essentials in having a peaceful life. and so,... i lived with these things in mind.
in my lifetime, i have not killed anyone, i have not intended to inflict pain to anyone and never did it occur to me to give someone a hard life. cautious i may be, the sad thing is that nobody sees me in my brighter persona. ever since i was five, i have been judged to be somebody who would make others lives miserable. i remember at one time when i was five, my aunt was talking to her friend and i heard her friend telling her "that niece of yours will not take care of you when you get old, she's not worth your love and benefits"... although i was young then and i could have just not mind what she said about me,... those words she dropped were like indelible marks on my memory. i have grewn up with those words playing over and over in my head and everytime i see that person who have judged me for the first time, i feel my blood rising and i just can't forget what she did. that woman isn't the only one who have judged me guilty despite my innocence. often, i have this kind of trouble in school. from elementary and up to now,... i can't count on my fingers the number of people who have been giving me the verdict of being guilty.
"zyrille is just too proud, she can't accept defeat, she believes in herself too much, she doesn't know how to pity someone, she does things for money, she's evil"... these are just few of the things i hear people say about me. and because of these, i have never trusted any of them. i live in shadows, i prefer staying unseen by their judgmental eyes and yet they see me always. maybe i am what they think i am but i hope they also consider that there's always more than just what meets the eye. i may look like the "maldita" type, i may be vocal about what i think and what i feel but they have never seen my tears. they have never seen my heart and they do not know what runs in my head. i believe the trouble with human beings is that, we look at others more closely than we look at ourselves. what right does anyone of us have to judge a person whom we don't even know fully?!!! i pray although it may be impossible that someday,... man would learn to judge himself first than judge others. we may be are co-existing with others but let us remember that we are individuals first and foremost; each is unique and each is to respect and be respected.

Who Am I?

-I'm small in stature [that's why back in college I was actually called midget/frodo baggins by one of my professors]
-I used to have a very long dark hair[which was considered as the only good thing 'bt my physical look before]
-My nose is my frustration I must say
-I have naturally arched brows which makes me look like a mean villain
-I used to have a sharp tongue before [I worked on this already 'coz it may not do me good for particular instances]
-I drink "tuba", beer, wine, "empi", anything for as long as it won't poison me on the event
-I sing a lot especially while drinking with my friends
-I sing for the choir, for all occasions for the living or the dead
-I don't easily give my trust because I believe that existing is a matter of living for oneself
-Life for me is survival of the fittest and everyman is for himself
-I used to be an enemy of the church before I met my group now
-I am often called indifferent
-I would have wanted to be a muslim, if I were not a Catholic
-I look up to Osama Bin Laden, the terrorist himself[which often gets me in trouble with a lot of righteous people who think he's a curse to human kind]
-I am fascinated with witches, magic and anything paranormal[just the lighter beings though 'coz I'm afraid at ugly "not like us"]
-I love music so much because it serves as my outlet
-I love books, books and books
-I love films
-I hate talking to super boastful people
-I love people who seem to be ignorant by the mere look but eventually prove themselves smarter than expected
-I believe that nothing is plainly what it physically seen
-I believe that there's so much more than what we could imagine
-I believe in diversity in all creatures
-I believe in respect
-I want to live according to my ideals
-I know what I want
-I just don't know how to do it
-I love few people
-But I am loved by so many in as much as I am hated by a lot
-I love my family
-I love my friends
-I love a Supreme Being
-I love myself

What You See With Eyes Closed

I was in my seat at the backmost part of the fully airconditioned, a lot of times creepy training room at the 6th floor early tonight. As usual, being still on training for three weeks now, it was again another day of patient listening to the "jargonic" discussions of our trainor(no offense to the trainor because she's really good). It's like another day of mental corruption and intercourse, that I hardly even remember whenever I get home. While the rest are doing their fair share of butting in to the discussions or at least nodding, I on the other hand would engage myself into one of my favorite things in life... staring into nowhere and thinking a lot of things I consider more engaging. This often happens to me especially if I don't know the things talked about in class already. My mind seems to always have this limit of absorbing information that eventually at a certain time, it just seems to flutter in limbo and and stop engaging itself to the discussions and starts to move away from realism... Believe me, sometimes I have this fear that I might not be able to come back to my senses again with the unexplained calmness and energy I have whenever I am in my other world. Creepy huh! Yeah, I think so too. But, I love it, because it is the only way I know that I'll be happy at something as of the moment where I am in a monotonous phase of life.

Whenever this happens to me, I remember a line from one of my favorite books. I kindda forgot the exact line but, it speaks of seeing things that are not seen by the naked eyes. Ghosts may be included to this... But more than that, I believe it refers more to the things a person ought to see; more important than what is seen and more profound than what is physically real. Thus,.. it something seen through our fist-sized pounding heart. This tells us of life's unexplained magic. Something that tells us of irony and existence. And even more,... it tells us that there's more to what we know, more to what we feel and more to what our mind could fathom.... It tells us that we are human,... that we are bound to limitations until our last.

Starting Something New

It's my first blog... so I'm going to welcome myself into this new thing for me. I am not honestly patient with writing however, I guess I just want to do it now just to have something to pour myself out into. It's different this time, because I don't have to do this for a grade or for a Specialized writing class requirement (I kindda miss that stuff though and I have learned a lot from Prof. Fernandez of AdU). But one thing for sure, if there is one thing I love right now, that would be this...

Kumusta na nga ba ako?... Hmmm, let me just say... I feel different. I know where I am now. But I don't know why I am actually here. There are so many questions I have in mind, and so much that I don't fully understand. Am I lost?... most probably YES, if being lost would mean not being in the place where you ought to be. Am I happy?... I'm not so sure about that, if happiness would mean doing something you want to do.

Before I used to know my direction. I used to know what to do to have what I want. But now, I don't know anything anymore. And the worst part is, I don't know how this happened to me. It seems like a nightmare. It's just like being in a dream where things fall according to what you want and then suddenly waking up and finding out that reality is never like that or vice versa. I keep on telling myself I'm on the right track and then suddenly realizing that I'm actually JUST convincing myself that I am when in fact deep down inside me I know I'm not okay with how things are for me as of the moment. I am not okay! That's it. And I don't know if I'll ever be okay soon.

What's with all this fuss? Here's the scenario...

When I was in college, I did well with my studies. Not just well, if the word would only mean average... Because actually, i did my best, and my best paid off in the end. It was perfection for a dreamer like me who did everything for her dream. And then came the real thing... the world which seemed distant before. A battle each graduate must have to face to be the person each has worked for in those years of studying. I thought everything would be easy, but I found out things are not always what and how they seem. I had to go back home to save myself from the challenges in the metro. I went home not to escape but just to find the perfect time to find my career in the place I have always wanted to be in. I had a job in our place... a job that I have asked the Providence to give me. An answered prayer. I had fun, I enjoyed and I fought. Things are never always nice in as much as the sky is not always sunny. Rainy days came and being a rebellious creature that I am, I refused to live and work according to their ideals. Time came when I can't bare with their leadership anymore... and knowing that I can't let them out I voluntarily left the company living by my word and my principle. And so that was how I am... I began my search to find the true meaning of my call,... in a different place not so strange but still apart from my ideal. You know whats funny?! I am actually working for a job I never even dared expect myself doing before! I feel crazy because, I left a job for my principle and now I have eaten up my principle with this job.

It's funny. And I know, those people who knew me and who have heard my words before would really laugh at the thought that I'm here. But thing is... Why do I have to consider their thoughts of me anyway?! This is my life right and I ought to decide how I live it and not any of them! Besides, none of us knows what the future holds. Who knows this is my luck. I may find what my purpose in here and eventually be the person I want to be in the end.

....."I'm living in a world apart from my own... I'm doing the thing apart from my expectations... I fear... but I want to challenge myself to be something I never expected myself to be... I will learn life and life will know me."---zy