It's my first blog... so I'm going to welcome myself into this new thing for me. I am not honestly patient with writing however, I guess I just want to do it now just to have something to pour myself out into. It's different this time, because I don't have to do this for a grade or for a Specialized writing class requirement (I kindda miss that stuff though and I have learned a lot from Prof. Fernandez of AdU). But one thing for sure, if there is one thing I love right now, that would be this...
Kumusta na nga ba ako?... Hmmm, let me just say... I feel different. I know where I am now. But I don't know why I am actually here. There are so many questions I have in mind, and so much that I don't fully understand. Am I lost?... most probably YES, if being lost would mean not being in the place where you ought to be. Am I happy?... I'm not so sure about that, if happiness would mean doing something you want to do.
Before I used to know my direction. I used to know what to do to have what I want. But now, I don't know anything anymore. And the worst part is, I don't know how this happened to me. It seems like a nightmare. It's just like being in a dream where things fall according to what you want and then suddenly waking up and finding out that reality is never like that or vice versa. I keep on telling myself I'm on the right track and then suddenly realizing that I'm actually JUST convincing myself that I am when in fact deep down inside me I know I'm not okay with how things are for me as of the moment. I am not okay! That's it. And I don't know if I'll ever be okay soon.
What's with all this fuss? Here's the scenario...
When I was in college, I did well with my studies. Not just well, if the word would only mean average... Because actually, i did my best, and my best paid off in the end. It was perfection for a dreamer like me who did everything for her dream. And then came the real thing... the world which seemed distant before. A battle each graduate must have to face to be the person each has worked for in those years of studying. I thought everything would be easy, but I found out things are not always what and how they seem. I had to go back home to save myself from the challenges in the metro. I went home not to escape but just to find the perfect time to find my career in the place I have always wanted to be in. I had a job in our place... a job that I have asked the Providence to give me. An answered prayer. I had fun, I enjoyed and I fought. Things are never always nice in as much as the sky is not always sunny. Rainy days came and being a rebellious creature that I am, I refused to live and work according to their ideals. Time came when I can't bare with their leadership anymore... and knowing that I can't let them out I voluntarily left the company living by my word and my principle. And so that was how I am... I began my search to find the true meaning of my call,... in a different place not so strange but still apart from my ideal. You know whats funny?! I am actually working for a job I never even dared expect myself doing before! I feel crazy because, I left a job for my principle and now I have eaten up my principle with this job.
It's funny. And I know, those people who knew me and who have heard my words before would really laugh at the thought that I'm here. But thing is... Why do I have to consider their thoughts of me anyway?! This is my life right and I ought to decide how I live it and not any of them! Besides, none of us knows what the future holds. Who knows this is my luck. I may find what my purpose in here and eventually be the person I want to be in the end.
....."I'm living in a world apart from my own... I'm doing the thing apart from my expectations... I fear... but I want to challenge myself to be something I never expected myself to be... I will learn life and life will know me."---zy
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