I wrote this two years ago. When I was still a war freak.hihi. Just a tip and trick though, we're friends again now with my boardmate Chen2.
If there is a word to best describe my feeling right now it would be ANGER... i just arrived from school and just like my ordinary days i have been used to telling whoever is close to me about how my day was. as in my case for four years that i have been staying in a boarding house miles away from my ate elvie with whom i share my thoughts each day, i talk to my roommate. today in my drama class, i realized something i said to her. it is that i can't expect to play a part in our final presentation which will be the adaptation of the phantom of the opera. i may have the voice i said or the acting ability but im afraid i dont have the physique to take part on any of the roles it has. it is a bit frustrating because i have dreamed to be in a musical, but if it wont be given to me then i can do nothing perhaps but to accept that tormendable reality. i told her,... how i wish it was my proposed play that will be presented so that i have the power to direct and make it the way i want it to be. and then she replied..."ikaw gud noh, di gyud ka magpailalom"... in english, "you really dont want to be inferior". considering that she did not just tell me that phrase on that single occasion, i guess i could have had just accepted her critique just like the other instances. but, this time i felt entirely different... i felt my blood rushhing up my spine and for one moment i felt like i wanted to scream at her and tell her "tama na, how dare you tell me that when you don't know who i am?!!! yes, she doesn't know the whole about me, nobody does except for myself. and i believe there's nobody more knowledgeable about our own realities than our own being. that puts me and all of us individuals in the position of defending ourselves and living our lives the way we want it to be. that time i wanted to ask her how much she know me for her to have said that thing. other than the things i tell her and the things she sees me doing in our room, she's mindless of the rest. she doesn't know my feelings; she doesn't know my childhood; she doesn't know ihow i am in school or at home; she has never witnessed my life other than my life spent in that boarding house; other than me being her roomate, she knows nothing...i guess it was pride that took over me that time, the very reason why i was strucked so much. but despite the hurt feeling, i did not answer her and i chose to remain silent questioning myself and giving her time as well to realize what she have just said to me. well, i cant blame her for that, afterall it is her perception. but the thing is,... does she really have to tell it to my face again?... i mean i have heard it from her several times and worst everybody thinks i am like that. she is just one of the many who looks at me the same way.... a beast, a proud nobody, someone who can't live without prestige, someone who doesn't know how to humble herself, a pretentious creature, all negative...
at times i want to disprove them,... but more often i choose to live according to their ideals. i show them a dark me because no matter how i try to show them im not, the more they believe that im evil. i was raised by people who know the word respect and humility very much. my grandpa was not an academic professional nor my grandma. but they were the kind of people whom you would think had the best education based on how they related to people and how they raised their children and grandchildren. when i was younger i was told to know these traits because according to them this two are the essentials in having a peaceful life. and so,... i lived with these things in mind.
in my lifetime, i have not killed anyone, i have not intended to inflict pain to anyone and never did it occur to me to give someone a hard life. cautious i may be, the sad thing is that nobody sees me in my brighter persona. ever since i was five, i have been judged to be somebody who would make others lives miserable. i remember at one time when i was five, my aunt was talking to her friend and i heard her friend telling her "that niece of yours will not take care of you when you get old, she's not worth your love and benefits"... although i was young then and i could have just not mind what she said about me,... those words she dropped were like indelible marks on my memory. i have grewn up with those words playing over and over in my head and everytime i see that person who have judged me for the first time, i feel my blood rising and i just can't forget what she did. that woman isn't the only one who have judged me guilty despite my innocence. often, i have this kind of trouble in school. from elementary and up to now,... i can't count on my fingers the number of people who have been giving me the verdict of being guilty.
"zyrille is just too proud, she can't accept defeat, she believes in herself too much, she doesn't know how to pity someone, she does things for money, she's evil"... these are just few of the things i hear people say about me. and because of these, i have never trusted any of them. i live in shadows, i prefer staying unseen by their judgmental eyes and yet they see me always. maybe i am what they think i am but i hope they also consider that there's always more than just what meets the eye. i may look like the "maldita" type, i may be vocal about what i think and what i feel but they have never seen my tears. they have never seen my heart and they do not know what runs in my head. i believe the trouble with human beings is that, we look at others more closely than we look at ourselves. what right does anyone of us have to judge a person whom we don't even know fully?!!! i pray although it may be impossible that someday,... man would learn to judge himself first than judge others. we may be are co-existing with others but let us remember that we are individuals first and foremost; each is unique and each is to respect and be respected.
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